Compulsive Behaviour

I was reading my last post and it seemed kind of self-serving to me. Why should I always be the one to complain? Why should I always have to be the one whom nobody understands? I can't go through life with this defeatist attitude. People are mean, unkind at times, better accept it. Yes, even today, some person on my friend list (whom I don't know), lashed out at me for voicing my opinion on her post even though she asked about it. Well, yes, may be I was a bit persistent in expressing my opinions (she said, I have a 'compulsive behaviour' to express my opinion, but I was just trying to express myself and listen to what she said, in other words, I was having, what I thought, a constructive debate. To her, well, it was my 'compulsive behaviour'). It is also a remarkable lesson in how we think we act and how people think we are acting. Though this happens in direct face-to-face communication too, I think it is more evident in online communication (wait, is that an idea for a post? Hmm..). It's been two years and I am still interning, I need to get a job. Luckily I already have got a life right now. Just went to visit an Indian city during Diwali holidays. But it is true, I need to leave aside people who do not matter and replace them with those who do. I realise that most part of my depression stems from the fact that I worry about people who hurt me more than people who love me. And I am proud to say, that there ARE those that love me. If I am going to progress in life, I can't keep on sitting and wondering about what others think and say (coz there always WILL be people who would do that). It's the online humiliation that worries me. I have important mutual friends with that person. But it is also true what they say, whatever you write or say online, is news for a minute or till the next exciting debate/post appears. I have realised this, if you sit and cry, there will always be people who would love to make you cry. It's best therefore, to dance and smile, pricks them most. ;) I have tried it on two occasions and it works like wonders.

I have more pressing concerns now, like getting a job. And if it is around people; so be it. 

A Penny for a Thought

This sucks. I turn to my friend for help, she does not understand my desperation and so when I am frustrated with my job, she thinks I am abusing her. So now I can't even show my desperation without her hitting back for no valid reason! What the Fuck! 


She takes it personally when I don't mean that..yes I am more intelligent than her, Yes I am more matured than her, but I never tell her so. So if she's going to misinterpret things as such then it's better she hears the truth only. Double Jeopardy, right? If I am being punished for a crime I did not commit, I might as well go and commit the crime! This is preposterous, the more I try to be nice to people, they sit up on my head and dance..if I am kind to them, they mistake it for the fact that I can't snarl. that I can't speak up for myself. they are under me and well the fact tht I am kind to them, they should realize tht.... i can do without them..can they do without me? if yes, then they should leave. if they can't, well then they better respect me. how dare they growl when i say something not even the least bit offensive? Pathetic. i don't like being rude to people, but if this continues, then i have to be harsh with them: tell them that they are not worth a penny of my time!


And if they don't have anything to offer me, why should I care anyway?

Afterthought

And here i come with another one of my depressive posts..boy I love it! This is like this online journal, where I can write anything and everything i want about, without really caring for formalities or being a good person. coz i am not. i am a bad bad person. and i like it this way. just so when i was about to whine about how unloved i am in the whole wide world, one of my friends pinged me...yes the same friend who is supposedly seeing an acquaintance. and that makes me mad! it's not that i am madly in love with this friend. but i don't want two of my friends to hook up. friends hooking up is a bad bad idea! and i don't like sharing my friends with anybody else..that can be a gf/bf, any other friend, I don't care.. but do you know the funny thing? the world, quite expectedly does not function the way i want it to. i just made my friend disinterested when i asked him whether he would like to see a movie..his answer was, "who else are coming?" i sd i don't know..nobody wants to come, your sweetheart is not here..he said, "what's your point"...I said, just asking whether you want to watch the movie, he sd tht he was going for another movie the next day, and i asked, "that's not the answer to my question". to this he replied, tht he didn't want to watch the movie and even adviced me to do the same.. so what the hell took him so long? i knew he would say no. so why the hell did he take so much time. i am good enough to be talked on the internet but not good enough to be seen a movie with. when he can spend the same amount of time with other friends, and they are not even that close. oh, I'm sorry. they are close to him. they are always closer to him. like that girl he met a few days back. even she is closer to him, and just in a matter of days. and he has known me for so long and even shared his problems with me. but i am not close to him. never was. i should know my limits. and others' too. my fault. wonder why i start behaving nice with people when they talk nice once. and I let them into my life and think they are actually nice. bloody idiot me! people can't change. they never can. never ever can. it's time i realized that.

ADVICE FROM FUTURE SELF (29 November 2013, 8:30pm):

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
2. Spend time with people who love you and like to spend time with you. Two close friends are better than a million Facebook friends.

A Good Year

It's been a while since I last wrote.. I think the last post was in last year..after that many incidents have occurred..sure I got to see a guy I liked once with another bitch, again and again..and again.....I don't love him any more so why d' I feel bad? Well I felt bad coz I have no one...and they have each other....I felt they were laughing at me..though I had as much sanity to understand that this wasn't true. so anyways, I refused to be sane..everyday I used to cry after seeing them together. Pathetic, I know. The fact is that now I am quite comfortable with the bitch but not so any more with the guy. Calling him a dog would be insulting to dogs. And then I had a celebration with folks. Every time I sit with them makes me realize why I am what I am today. Sidney Sheldon once wrote, the only thing you need to be a good writer is a pen, a paper and a dysfunctional family. Guess then I have all the ingredients to be a good writer! Cool. And what's more. I had a great fight with a friend. I pretend nothing is wrong. That everything is cool. Nobody likes whiners. And what's the point, frankly? May be people would understand, may be they won't. But it will keep on repeating again and again. I guess sometimes you need to give a bit of space to others. It's not tht every time they will say the best of things to you even when their mood is off. But my insecurity takes over at this point of time.... I feel that since they can be blunt enough to tell you that they don't need you, it means that they don't need you after all....and then who would want to be with an insecure little wretch like me? Great, here I go on whining. But it's my blog..right..so I can do whatever I want! I guess there are a lot of people who have heard curses from their close family members on special family occasions. I am used to that. So it didn't bother me much. What I'm wondering is that if this is what this year has brought in at the beginning, what will it bring next? Sure, there have been pretty nice things too.... I don't feel as perturbed as I used to once. But the lingering feeling of being left out, being rejected still haunts. Speaking of which my "ex" best friend was suddenly very nice to be today, god knows why! However that does feel nice. but I am determined not to read too much in the between the lines. I have made a lot of mistakes with him last year..and the year before, not any more. 

Change

Everything was perfect..the perfect weather, the perfect company, the perfect time. And then it happened. The demon struck again. My loved ones got hurt. And I can't bear to see them hurt. and i can't bear to face the ugly demon again..all alone...the demon has struck one of my loved ones..I can't fight with them all..I can't, I just can't..I don't even want to. All I want to do is run away....But I don't want to leave my loved ones away, I don't want them to be hurt. But can I really do something about it?

The Ugly Duckling

Smile and Be Happy

So the pessimist is back here with the heavy load of imperfection. One of the most formidable flaws I have is of being imperfect. So yes you can say nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, don't we? But we never advertise them. I for most part have always been open to seeing the good in people. This does not mean that their flaws escape my attention. Rather when it comes to giving priority, I always give more priority to their positives than the negatives. However my pessimism lies in the fact that I always give more value to my negative points than others. It does not matter whether the person in front of me is giving value to my negative points or not, for me my negativities matter more than of any other person. 

One of the reasons for this is the fact that I have always been told that I am not good enough. I have always been told to excel, to be like "the others". Which I never was. This has always led to an insecurity that my loved ones will leave me if I fail to live up to their expectations. As is evident, no relationship can strive on insecurity. Sooner or later I give up out of a vehement rejection of the rules imposed on me of having to live up to others' expectations. 

But at times I try to tear out of this vicious circle. At times I try to live up to life on my own terms. I try to optimistic, be happy. I try to be away from the self imposed dark clouds of pessimism, which envelop me in their warm embrace. I try to be "not negative". But sooner or later the ugly demons of indifference or rejection from people I like or love force me to abandon my hope and get withdrawn back into the recluse of the dark cave. Today is one such day. Hope is lost. The wings of Joy flutter weakly from the chains. My "Be Happy" Project is once down. Will it be down in the dumps? Time will tell.