Afterthought

And here i come with another one of my depressive posts..boy I love it! This is like this online journal, where I can write anything and everything i want about, without really caring for formalities or being a good person. coz i am not. i am a bad bad person. and i like it this way. just so when i was about to whine about how unloved i am in the whole wide world, one of my friends pinged me...yes the same friend who is supposedly seeing an acquaintance. and that makes me mad! it's not that i am madly in love with this friend. but i don't want two of my friends to hook up. friends hooking up is a bad bad idea! and i don't like sharing my friends with anybody else..that can be a gf/bf, any other friend, I don't care.. but do you know the funny thing? the world, quite expectedly does not function the way i want it to. i just made my friend disinterested when i asked him whether he would like to see a movie..his answer was, "who else are coming?" i sd i don't know..nobody wants to come, your sweetheart is not here..he said, "what's your point"...I said, just asking whether you want to watch the movie, he sd tht he was going for another movie the next day, and i asked, "that's not the answer to my question". to this he replied, tht he didn't want to watch the movie and even adviced me to do the same.. so what the hell took him so long? i knew he would say no. so why the hell did he take so much time. i am good enough to be talked on the internet but not good enough to be seen a movie with. when he can spend the same amount of time with other friends, and they are not even that close. oh, I'm sorry. they are close to him. they are always closer to him. like that girl he met a few days back. even she is closer to him, and just in a matter of days. and he has known me for so long and even shared his problems with me. but i am not close to him. never was. i should know my limits. and others' too. my fault. wonder why i start behaving nice with people when they talk nice once. and I let them into my life and think they are actually nice. bloody idiot me! people can't change. they never can. never ever can. it's time i realized that.

ADVICE FROM FUTURE SELF (29 November 2013, 8:30pm):

1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
2. Spend time with people who love you and like to spend time with you. Two close friends are better than a million Facebook friends.

A Good Year

It's been a while since I last wrote.. I think the last post was in last year..after that many incidents have occurred..sure I got to see a guy I liked once with another bitch, again and again..and again.....I don't love him any more so why d' I feel bad? Well I felt bad coz I have no one...and they have each other....I felt they were laughing at me..though I had as much sanity to understand that this wasn't true. so anyways, I refused to be sane..everyday I used to cry after seeing them together. Pathetic, I know. The fact is that now I am quite comfortable with the bitch but not so any more with the guy. Calling him a dog would be insulting to dogs. And then I had a celebration with folks. Every time I sit with them makes me realize why I am what I am today. Sidney Sheldon once wrote, the only thing you need to be a good writer is a pen, a paper and a dysfunctional family. Guess then I have all the ingredients to be a good writer! Cool. And what's more. I had a great fight with a friend. I pretend nothing is wrong. That everything is cool. Nobody likes whiners. And what's the point, frankly? May be people would understand, may be they won't. But it will keep on repeating again and again. I guess sometimes you need to give a bit of space to others. It's not tht every time they will say the best of things to you even when their mood is off. But my insecurity takes over at this point of time.... I feel that since they can be blunt enough to tell you that they don't need you, it means that they don't need you after all....and then who would want to be with an insecure little wretch like me? Great, here I go on whining. But it's my blog..right..so I can do whatever I want! I guess there are a lot of people who have heard curses from their close family members on special family occasions. I am used to that. So it didn't bother me much. What I'm wondering is that if this is what this year has brought in at the beginning, what will it bring next? Sure, there have been pretty nice things too.... I don't feel as perturbed as I used to once. But the lingering feeling of being left out, being rejected still haunts. Speaking of which my "ex" best friend was suddenly very nice to be today, god knows why! However that does feel nice. but I am determined not to read too much in the between the lines. I have made a lot of mistakes with him last year..and the year before, not any more. 

Change

Everything was perfect..the perfect weather, the perfect company, the perfect time. And then it happened. The demon struck again. My loved ones got hurt. And I can't bear to see them hurt. and i can't bear to face the ugly demon again..all alone...the demon has struck one of my loved ones..I can't fight with them all..I can't, I just can't..I don't even want to. All I want to do is run away....But I don't want to leave my loved ones away, I don't want them to be hurt. But can I really do something about it?

The Ugly Duckling

Smile and Be Happy

So the pessimist is back here with the heavy load of imperfection. One of the most formidable flaws I have is of being imperfect. So yes you can say nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, don't we? But we never advertise them. I for most part have always been open to seeing the good in people. This does not mean that their flaws escape my attention. Rather when it comes to giving priority, I always give more priority to their positives than the negatives. However my pessimism lies in the fact that I always give more value to my negative points than others. It does not matter whether the person in front of me is giving value to my negative points or not, for me my negativities matter more than of any other person. 

One of the reasons for this is the fact that I have always been told that I am not good enough. I have always been told to excel, to be like "the others". Which I never was. This has always led to an insecurity that my loved ones will leave me if I fail to live up to their expectations. As is evident, no relationship can strive on insecurity. Sooner or later I give up out of a vehement rejection of the rules imposed on me of having to live up to others' expectations. 

But at times I try to tear out of this vicious circle. At times I try to live up to life on my own terms. I try to optimistic, be happy. I try to be away from the self imposed dark clouds of pessimism, which envelop me in their warm embrace. I try to be "not negative". But sooner or later the ugly demons of indifference or rejection from people I like or love force me to abandon my hope and get withdrawn back into the recluse of the dark cave. Today is one such day. Hope is lost. The wings of Joy flutter weakly from the chains. My "Be Happy" Project is once down. Will it be down in the dumps? Time will tell. 

Girls or Guys?

Are pessimists loners? I dunno. I sure am. People - human beings are not my forte. Animals are. I love 'em. But there is one thing you can do with a human being that you can't with a cat or dog. That is, have a discussion. You can talk singlehandedly but when it comes to valuable suggestions, they are just not the right partners to talk to. Now I have a habit (a weird one, but I wonder whether it is only me who has this habit), of talking to myself. I also talk to people who are not present, at least pretend or act out that I am talking to them. But somehow when I am with them, the conversations never happen! Listening to a human being talk too much bores me. Exasperates me. Clouds my thoughts. Such that I need to be with my solitude for a considerable period of time after that to regain control of my essence. So anyways today I got an opportunity to talk about my feelings on "bitching and gossiping", both of which I think are a nuisance. I feel if for this I am considered boring, so be it. So this person and I (it was mostly me, but it felt nice to have a "human" listening to you) talked about how both of us had seen girls bitch more than guys. Actually I am not at all a sexist, rather have been termed a 'feminist' by quite a few souls but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I admit that I find guys much friendlier than girls. Frankly speaking, girls have always been a pain in the wrong place for me. Guys, I have found much easier to be with, much easier to handle. Now I have a strong belief that girls are complicated and guys are insensitive. I think it's true. But I guess the other side to this coin is that girls are way too critical of several aspects of a human being while guys appear much cooler, as in they take things as they come their way. I have not yet disclosed this observation to my guy friends for I know they will jump like monkeys and tell me how right I am in my observations. It's not to say that guys don't bitch or are completely "goody-goody" in their thoughts but simply to say that they are more welcoming when it comes to making friends or even daily activities like dressing up, attending classes or even a project work. But dressing up is always a big deal for a girl. I mean I have seen a host of girls commenting on another girl's lipsticks, jewelry, dress and what not. This irritates me. Oh well, I have also seen guys commenting on a girl like this but the number has clearly been less. I like this easy going attitude that most guys have. And I appreciate it. Needless to say I have also seen quite a few girls who embody this attitude but the bullies are clearly more. Well whattosay... It takes all kinds to make a world, so be it. 

Beauty or Brains?

I was happy. I was contented. I had just found out about one of my crushes on Facebook. I was ecstatic. I told about this to one of my guy friends. Now as the case generally is, guys do not prefer mushy stuff. So we got on to talking which actresses he liked and this came on to when suddenly I asked him whether or not he liked Kate Winslet. He said he didn't because her teeth were yellow and she was..."fat". I asked whether he didn't find the figure reason superficial. He said he didn't coz it was his choice. I told him tht was fine. But this was enough to spoil my mood. It wouldn't have mattered if it had been only his reason. But and I say BUT with capital letters, it matters because a guy I liked also preferred slim figures. As should be evident from the post that I am not slim. And I hate to change myself for others. This friend's testimony about preferring slim figures reminded me of the guy I liked and his preference of a slim figure even though he was overweight. How typically male! How superficial! I agree it is the personal choice of people regarding what they prefer but there is a nagging feeling when a person you like does not like you back, whether it be for figure, looks, or plain for personality. Since then, I have spent countless nights wondering how to be "slim", just so he would like me. And I hated myself for that. For forcing myself against my wishes. Day and Night I used to ask myself why I am not good enough for him. That guy friend's words reminded me of all this. Am I over the flame? No am not. And for future references we are going to call this guy I like, Angel. Coz that's what he is. I know I am not presenting him in a nice light but he is a great guy. And I used to call him my angel. Just when I was beginning to bask in the light of my identity, when I was beginning to love myself, I was reminded that I was not good enough for my angel. It would not be wrong to say that I am close to worshiping him. He's not perfect but he sure is perfect for me. He has faults but I was ready to overlook them. More about this guy in later posts. Right now, I am pissed about what my friend told me about figures. Why do guys have to be so superficial? Why can't they love like we do? One of the things about being a pessimist is that you look at your faults more than your assets. I have always been looking at my faults since childhood. Particularly because I was told that I had to be the best. And I never was the best. I have a constant feeling of not being the "in crowd", not being appreciated for who I am. Whereas, this was first only in case of studies, it has now translated into relationships as well. For some days I was happy, but I guess now I am going to sit in a corner and sulk. The pessimist is back again. My mood swings like the oscillation of a pendulum and I am not happy any more! Great.